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TL;DR: He is bored

_________________
"Life is but a setting in the great game of Choices."
[VTJV] Hyun on Steam.

SHREK

Written by

William Steig & Ted Elliott




SHREK
Once upon a time there was a lovely
princess. But she had an enchantment
upon her of a fearful sort which could
only be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
Many brave knights had attempted to
free her from this dreadful prison,
but non prevailed. She waited in the
dragon's keep in the highest room of
the tallest tower for her true love
and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
Like that's ever gonna happen. What
a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
after the ogre.

NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME

MAN1
Think it's in there?

MAN2
All right. Let's get it!

MAN1
Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
thing can do to you?

MAN3
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
bread.

Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.

SHREK
Yes, well, actually, that would be a
giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly
peeled skin.

MEN
No!

SHREK
They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
quite good on toast.

MAN1
Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
(waves the torch at Shrek.)

Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
men are in the dark.

SHREK
This is the part where you run away.
(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
And stay out! (looks down and picks
up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
throws the paper over his shoulder.)


THE NEXT DAY

There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
little pigs.

GUARD
All right. This one's full. Take it
away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!


HEAD GUARD
Next!

GUARD
(taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
Your flying days are over. (breaks the
broom in half)

HEAD GUARD
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Next!

GUARD
Get up! Come on!

HEAD GUARD
Twenty pieces.

LITTLE BEAR
(crying) This cage is too small.

DONKEY
Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
Give me another chance!

OLD WOMAN
Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

DONKEY
Oh!

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

GIPETTO
This little wooden puppet.

PINOCCHIO
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
nose grows)

HEAD GUARD
Five shillings for the possessed toy.
Take it away.

PINOCCHIO
Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Help me!

Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table.

HEAD GUARD
Next! What have you got?

OLD WOMAN
Well, I've got a talking donkey.

HEAD GUARD
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
if you can prove it.

OLD WOMAN
Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Donkey just looks up at her.

HEAD GUARD
Well?

OLD WOMAN
Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

HEAD GUARD
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!


OLD WOMAN
No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
you ever saw.

HEAD GUARD
Get her out of my sight.

OLD WOMAN
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
with fairy dust and he's able to fly.

DONKEY
Hey! I can fly!

PETER PAN
He can fly!

3 LITTLE PIGS
He can fly!

HEAD GUARD
He can talk!

DONKEY
Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
a flying, talking donkey. You might
have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
to the ground.)

He hits the ground with a thud.

HEAD GUARD
Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
After him!

GUARDS
He's getting away! Get him! This way!
Turn!

Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
quickly hides behind Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
You there. Ogre!

SHREK
Aye?

HEAD GUARD
By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
to place you both under arrest and transport
you to a designated resettlement facility.


SHREK
Oh, really? You and what army?

He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
begins walking back to his cottage.

DONKEY
Can I say something to you? Listen,
you was really, really, really somethin'
back here. Incredible!

SHREK
Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
around and Donkey is right in front
of him.) Whoa!

DONKEY
Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
you that you that you was great back
here? Those guards! They thought they
was all of that. Then you showed up,
and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
like babes in the woods. That really
made me feel good to see that.

SHREK
Oh, that's great. Really.

DONKEY
Man, it's good to be free.

SHREK
Now, why don't you go celebrate your
freedom with your own friends? Hmm?


DONKEY
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
stick with you. You're mean, green,
fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
the spit out of anybody that crosses
us.

Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
loudly.

DONKEY
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
don't mind me sayin', if that don't
work, your breath certainly will get
the job done, 'cause you definitely
need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
you breath stinks! You almost burned
the hair outta my nose, just like the
time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
continues to talk, so Shrek removes
his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
berries. I had strong gases leaking
out of my butt that day.

SHREK
Why are you following me?

DONKEY
I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
me, My problems have all gone, There's
no one to deride me, But you gotta have
faith...

SHREK
Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
have any friends.

DONKEY
Wow. Only a true friend would be that
cruelly honest.

SHREK
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
me. What am I?

DONKEY
(looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
tall?

SHREK
No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
bother you?

DONKEY
Nope.

SHREK
Really?

DONKEY
Really, really.

SHREK
Oh.

DONKEY
Man, I like you. What's you name?

SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

DONKEY
Shrek? Well, you know what I like about
you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me
thing. I like that. I respect that,
Shrek. You all right. (They come over
a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.)
Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live
in place like that?

SHREK
That would be my home.

DONKEY
Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.
You know you are quite a decorator.
It's amazing what you've done with such
a modest budget. I like that boulder.
That is a nice boulder. I guess you
don't entertain much, do you?

SHREK
I like my privacy.

DONKEY
You know, I do too. That's another thing
we have in common. Like I hate it when
you got somebody in your face. You've
trying to give them a hint, and they
won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?


SHREK
Uh, what?

DONKEY
Can I stay with you, please?

SHREK
(sarcastically) Of course!

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Please! I don't wanna go back there!
You don't know what it's like to be
considered a freak. (pause while he
looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do.
But that's why we gotta stick together.
You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!


SHREK
Okay! Okay! But one night only.

DONKEY
Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage)


SHREK
What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto
a chair.) No! No!

DONKEY
This is gonna be fun! We can stay up
late, swappin' manly stories, and in
the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

SHREK
Oh!

DONKEY
Where do, uh, I sleep?

SHREK
(irritated) Outside!

DONKEY
Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,
I don't know you, and you don't know
me, so I guess outside is best, you
know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek
slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do
like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was
born outside. I'll just be sitting by
myself outside, I guess, you know. By
myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's
no one here beside me...

SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights
a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a
noise. He stands up with a huff.

SHREK
(to Donkey) I thought I told you to
stay outside.

DONKEY
(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that
made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns
and spots 3 blind mice on his table.

BLIND MOUSE1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the
farm, but what choice do we have?


BLIND MOUSE2
It's not home, but it'll do just fine.


GORDO
(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.


SHREK
Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes
and lands on his shoulder.)

GORDO
I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's
ear)

SHREK
Ow!

GORDO
Blah! Awful stuff.

BLIND MOUSE1
Is that you, Gordo?

GORDO
How did you know?

SHREK
Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are
you doing in my house? (He gets bumped
from behind and he drops the mice.)
Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves
with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no,
no, no. Dead broad off the table.


DWARF
Where are we supposed to put her? The
bed's taken.

SHREK
Huh?

Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at
him.

BIG BAD WOLF
What?

TIME LAPSE

Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging
him to the front door.

SHREK
I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm
a terrifying ogre! What do I have to
do get a little privacy? (He opens the
front door to throw the Wolf out and
he sees that all the collected Fairy
Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh,
no. No! No!

The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his
pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing
flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc.


SHREK
What are you doing in my swamp? (this
echoes and everyone falls silent.)


Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a
tent.

SHREK
All right, get out of here. All of you,
move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!
Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more
dwarves run inside the house) No, no!
No, no. Not there. Not there. (they
shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to
look at Donkey)

DONKEY
Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite
them.

PINOCCHIO
Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

SHREK
What?

PINOCCHIO
We were forced to come here.

SHREK
(flabbergasted) By who?

LITTLE PIG
Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed
and he...signed an eviction notice.


SHREK
(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where
this Farquaad guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

DONKEY
Oh, I do. I know where he is.

SHREK
Does anyone else know where to find
him? Anyone at all?

DONKEY
Me! Me!

SHREK
Anyone?

DONKEY
Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK
(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy
tale things. Do not get comfortable.
Your welcome is officially worn out.
In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad
right now and get you all off my land
and back where you came from! (Pause.
Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey)
You! You're comin' with me.

DONKEY
All right, that's what I like to hear,
man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart
friends, off on a whirlwind big-city
adventure. I love it!

DONKEY
(singing) On the road again. Sing it
with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get
on the road again.

SHREK
What did I say about singing?

DONKEY
Can I whistle?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
Can I hum it?

SHREK
All right, hum it.

Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

DULOC - KITCHEN

A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually
dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in.

FARQUAAD
That's enough. He's ready to talk.


The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down
onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the
table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes
up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.


FARQUAAD
(he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs
and plays with them) Run, run, run,
as fast as you can. You can't catch
me. I'm the gingerbread man.

GINGERBREAD MAN
You are a monster.

FARQUAAD
I'm not the monster here. You are. You
and the rest of that fairy tale trash,
poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell
me! Where are the others?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's
eye.)

FARQUAAD
I've tried to be fair to you creatures.
Now my patience has reached its end!
Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to
pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons)


GINGERBREAD MAN
No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop
buttons.

FARQUAAD
All right then. Who's hiding them?


GINGERBREAD MAN
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the
muffin man?

FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man.

FARQUAAD
Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives
on Drury Lane?

GINGERBREAD MAN
Well, she's married to the muffin man.


FARQUAAD
The muffin man?

GINGERBREAD MAN
The muffin man!

FARQUAAD
She's married to the muffin man.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

HEAD GUARD
My lord! We found it.

FARQUAAD
Then what are you waiting for? Bring
it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.
They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic
Mirror.

GINGERBREAD MAN
(in awe) Ohhhh...

FARQUAAD
Magic mirror...

GINGERBREAD MAN
Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks
him up and dumps him into a trash can
with a lid.) No!

FARQUAAD
Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.
Is this not the most perfect kingdom
of them all?

MIRROR
Well, technically you're not a king.


FARQUAAD
Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a
hand mirror and smashes it with his
fist.) You were saying?

MIRROR
What I mean is you're not a king yet.
But you can become one. All you have
to do is marry a princess.

FARQUAAD
Go on.

MIRROR
(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back
and relax, my lord, because it's time
for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.
And here they are! Bachelorette number
one is a mentally abused shut-in from
a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi
and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies
include cooking and cleaning for her
two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette
number two is a cape-wearing girl from
the land of fancy. Although she lives
with seven other men, she's not easy.
Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and
find out what a live wire she is. Come
on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows
picture of Snow White) And last, but
certainly not last, bachelorette number
three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded
castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!
But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina colads
and getting caught in the rain. Yours
for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows
picture of Princess Fiona) So will it
be bachelorette number one, bachelorette
number two or bachelorette number three?


GUARDS
Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!


FARQUAAD
Three? One? Three?

THELONIUS
Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number
three, my lord!

FARQUAAD
Okay, okay, uh, number three!

MIRROR
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess
Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I
have to do is just find someone who
can go...

MIRROR
But I probably should mention the little
thing that happens at night.

FARQUAAD
I'll do it.

MIRROR
Yes, but after sunset...

FARQUAAD
Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona
my queen, and DuLoc will finally have
the perfect king! Captain, assemble
your finest men. We're going to have
a tournament. (smiles evilly)

DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section

Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking
lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

DONKEY
But that's it. That's it right there.
That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it.


SHREK
So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.


DONKEY
Uh-huh. That's the place.

SHREK
Do you think maybe he's compensating
for something? (He laughs, but then
groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke.
He continues walking through the parking
lot.)

DONKEY
Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

MAN
Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.


SHREK
Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing
a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad,
screams and begins running through the
rows of rope to get to the front gate
to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second.
Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just
- - I just - - (He sighs and then begins
walking straight through the rows. The
attendant runs into a wall and falls
down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then
continue on into DuLoc.)

DULOC

They look around but all is quiet.

SHREK
It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?


DONKEY
Hey, look at this!

Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box
marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors
open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin
to sing.

WOODEN PEOPLE
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town


Here we have some rules

Let us lay them down

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

DuLoc is perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your shoes, wipe your... face

DuLoc is, DuLoc is

DuLoc is perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture.

DONKEY
Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready
to run over and pull the lever again)


SHREK
(grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still)
No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

FARQUAAD
Brave knights. You are the best and
brightest in all the land. Today one
of you shall prove himself...

As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena
Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song.

SHREK
All right. You're going the right way
for a smacked bottom.

DONKEY
Sorry about that.

FARQUAAD
That champion shall have the honor -
- no, no - - the privilege to go forth
and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona
from the fiery keep of the dragon. If
for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,
the first runner-up will take his place
and so on and so forth. Some of you
may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing
to make. (cheers) Let the tournament
begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is
that? It's hideous!

SHREK
(turns to look at Donkey and then back
at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice.
It's just a donkey.

FARQUAAD
Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who
kills the ogre will be named champion!
Have it him!

MEN
Get him!

SHREK
Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps
into a table where there are mugs of
beer)

CROWD
Go ahead! Get him!

SHREK
(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just
settle this over a pint?

CROWD
Kill the beast!

SHREK
No? All right then. (drinks the beer)
Come on!

He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel
of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the
other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides
past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.
As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger
beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll.
Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much
fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice
to say that Shrek kicks butt.

DONKEY
Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek
gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

SHREK
Yeah!

A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time
and sees him.

WOMAN
The chair! Give him the chair!

Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men
are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding
sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

SHREK
Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you
very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try
the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on
Shrek.

HEAD GUARD
Shall I give the order, sir?

FARQUAAD
No, I have a better idea. People of
DuLoc, I give you our champion!

SHREK
What?

FARQUAAD
Congratulations, ogre. You're won the
honor of embarking on a great and noble
quest.

SHREK
Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest
to get my swamp back.

FARQUAAD
Your swamp?

SHREK
Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those
fairy tale creatures!

FARQUAAD
Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you
a deal. Go on this quest for me, and
I'll give you your swamp back.

SHREK
Exactly the way it was?

FARQUAAD
Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.


SHREK
And the squatters?

FARQUAAD
As good as gone.

SHREK
What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field
heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

DONKEY
Let me get this straight. You're gonna
go fight a dragon and rescue a princess
just so Farquaad will give you back
a swamp which you only don't have because
he filled it full of freaks in the first
place. Is that about right?

SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.

DONKEY
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull
some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle
him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds
his bones to make your bread, the whole
ogre trip.

SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have
decapitated an entire village and put
their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,
cut open their spleen and drink their
fluids. Does that sound good to you?


DONKEY
Uh, no, not really, no.

SHREK
For your information, there's a lot
more to ogres than people think.

DONKEY
Example?

SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions.
(he holds out his onion)

DONKEY
(sniffs the onion) They stink?

SHREK
Yes - - No!

DONKEY
They make you cry?

SHREK
No!

DONKEY
You leave them in the sun, they get
all brown, start sproutin' little white
hairs.

SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres
have layers! Onions have layers. You
get it? We both have layers. (he heaves
a sigh and then walks off)

DONKEY
(trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both
have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,
not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody
loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes.
Ogres are not like cakes.

DONKEY
You know what else everybody likes?
Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,
you say, "Let's get some parfait," they
say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?
Parfaits are delicious.

SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature
beast of burden! Ogres are like onions!
And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.


DONKEY
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing
on the whole damn planet.

SHREK
You know, I think I preferred your humming.


DONKEY
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm
making a mess. Just the word parfait
make me start slobbering.

_________________
Steam, origin, smashladder, GameJolt: littletymcfly

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through
a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying
to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,
so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out.

DRAGON'S KEEP

Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to
house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano.


DONKEY
(sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
You gotta warn somebody before you just
crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.

SHREK
Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd
be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We
must be getting close.

DONKEY
Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking
about it's the brimstone. I know what
I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It
didn't come off no stone neither.


They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There
is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where
the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very
foreboding.

SHREK
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the
location. (laughs...then the laugh turns
into a groan)

DONKEY
Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said
ogres have layers?

SHREK
Oh, aye.

DONKEY
Well, I have a bit of a confession to
make. Donkeys don't have layers. We
wear our fear right out there on our
sleeves.

SHREK
Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.


DONKEY
You know what I mean.

SHREK
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.


DONKEY
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable
about being on a rickety bridge over
a boiling like of lava!

SHREK
Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside
ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll
just tackle this thing together one
little baby step at a time.

DONKEY
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

DONKEY
Okay, that makes me feel so much better.


SHREK
Just keep moving. And don't look down.


DONKEY
Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.
Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't
look down. (he steps through a rotting
board and ends up looking straight down
into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down!
Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me
off, please!

SHREK
But you're already halfway.

DONKEY
But I know that half is safe!

SHREK
Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.
You go back.

DONKEY
Shrek, no! Wait!

SHREK
Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance
then, shall me? (bounces and sways the
bridge)

DONKEY
Don't do that!

SHREK
Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces
the bridge again)

DONKEY
Yes, that!

SHREK
Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to
bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across
the bridge)

DONKEY
No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

SHREK
You said do it! I'm doin' it.

DONKEY
I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek,
I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)
Oh!

SHREK
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks
towards the castle)

DONKEY
Cool. So where is this fire-breathing
pain-in-the-neck anyway?

SHREK
Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
(chuckles)

DONKEY
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.


INSIDE THE CASTLE

DONKEY
You afraid?

SHREK
No.

DONKEY
But...

SHREK
Shh.

DONKEY
Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton
and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong
with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible
response to an unfamiliar situation.
Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire
and eats knights and breathes fire,
it sure doesn't mean you're a coward
if you're a little scared. I sure as
heck ain't no coward. I know that.


SHREK
Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up.
Now go over there and see if you can
find any stairs.

DONKEY
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for
the princess.

SHREK
(putting on a helmet) The princess will
be up the stairs in the highest room
in the tallest tower.

DONKEY
What makes you think she'll be there?


SHREK
I read it in a book once. (walks off)


DONKEY
Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle
the stairs. I'll find those stairs.
I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs
won't know which way they're goin'.
(walks off)

EMPTY ROOM

Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room.


DONKEY
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it
to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm
the stair master. I've mastered the
stairs. I wish I had a step right here.
I'd step all over it.

ELSEWHERE

Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window.

SHREK
Well, at least we know where the princess
is, but where's the...

DONKEY
(os) Dragon!

Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again.
Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes fire.

SHREK
Donkey, look out! (he manages to get
a hold of the dragons tail and holds
on) Got ya!

The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek
goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the
tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying
on the floor.

DONKEY
Oh! Aah! Aah!

Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small
part of the bridge he's on.

DONKEY
No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh,
what large teeth you have. (the dragon
growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth.
I know you probably hear this all time
from your food, but you must bleach,
'cause that is one dazzling smile you
got there. Do I detect a hint of minty
freshness? And you know what else? You're
- - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure!
I mean, of course you're a girl dragon.
You're just reeking of feminine beauty.
(the dragon begins fluttering her eyes
at him) What's the matter with you?
You got something in your eye? Ohh.
Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,
but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon
blows a smoke ring in the shape of a
heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm
an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd
work out if you're gonna blow smoke
rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him
up with her teeth and carries him off)
No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S ROOM

Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona
so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She
then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off
the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.
Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for
a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders
and shakes her away.

FIONA
Oh! Oh!

SHREK
Wake up!

FIONA
What?

SHREK
Are you Princess Fiona?

FIONA
I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to
rescue me.

SHREK
Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

FIONA
But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our
first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,
romantic moment?

SHREK
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.


FIONA
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should
sweep me off my feet out yonder window
and down a rope onto your valiant steed.


SHREK
You've had a lot of time to plan this,
haven't you?

FIONA
(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down
the hallway.

FIONA
But we have to savor this moment! You
could recite an epic poem for me. A
ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!


SHREK
I don't think so.

FIONA
Can I at least know the name of my champion?


SHREK
Uh, Shrek.

FIONA
Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds
out a handkerchief) I pray that you
take this favor as a token of my gratitude.


SHREK
Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the dragon roar.

FIONA
(surprised)You didn't slay the dragon?


SHREK
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
(takes off running and drags Fiona behind
him.)

FIONA
But this isn't right! You were meant
to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.
That's what all the other knights did.


SHREK
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.


FIONA
That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly
stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek
ignores her and heads for a wooden door
off to the side.) Wait. Where are you
going? The exit's over there.

SHREK
Well, I have to save my ass.

FIONA
What kind of knight are you?

SHREK
One of a kind. (opens the door into
the throne room)

DONKEY
(os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.
I believe it's healthy to get to know
someone over a long period of time.
Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs
worriedly) (we see him up close and
from a distance as Shrek sneaks into
the room) I don't want to rush into
a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally
ready for a commitment of, uh, this
- - Magnitude really is the word I'm
looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that
is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what
are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just
back up a little and take this one step
at a time. We really should get to know
each other first as friends or pen pals.
I'm on the road a lot, but I just love
receiving cards - - I'd really love
to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's
my tail! That's my personal tail. You're
gonna tear it off. I don't give permission
- - What are you gonna do with that?
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.
No, no, no. No! Oh!

Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings
toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks
up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head.
He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps
Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him.
Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and
roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto
her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms
a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey
take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and
then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her.

DONKEY
Hi, Princess!

FIONA
It talks!

SHREK
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's
the trick.

They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots
a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a
crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His
eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles
off and walks lightly.

SHREK
Oh!

Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona.


SHREK
Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll
take care of the dragon.

Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the
castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping
chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that
is still around the dragons neck.

SHREK
(echoing) Run!

_________________
Steam, origin, smashladder, GameJolt: littletymcfly

They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot
pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons
breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on
for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They
are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look
in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to
get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the
dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs
quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a
sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away.

FIONA
(sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You
did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.
(behind her Donkey falls down the hill)
You're - - You're wonderful. You're...
(turns and sees Shrek fall down the
hill and bump into Donkey) a little
unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed
is great, and thy heart is pure. I am
eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears
his throat.) And where would a brave
knight be without his noble steed?


DONKEY
I hope you heard that. She called me
a noble steed. She think I'm a steed.


FIONA
The battle is won. You may remove your
helmet, good Sir Knight.

SHREK
Uh, no.

FIONA
Why not?

SHREK
I have helmet hair.

FIONA
Please. I would'st look upon the face
of my rescuer.

SHREK
No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

FIONA
But how will you kiss me?

SHREK
What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the
job description.

DONKEY
Maybe it's a perk.

FIONA
No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know
how it goes. A princess locked in a
tower and beset by a dragon is rescued
by a brave knight, and then they share
true love's first kiss.

DONKEY
Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait.
Wait. You think that Shrek is you true
love?

FIONA
Well, yes.

Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing.

DONKEY
You think Shrek is your true love!


FIONA
What is so funny?

SHREK
Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona:
Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.
Now - - Now remove your helmet.

SHREK
Look. I really don't think this is a
good idea.

FIONA
Just take off the helmet.

SHREK
I'm not going to.

FIONA
Take it off.

SHREK
No!

FIONA
Now!

SHREK
Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
(takes off his helmet)

FIONA
You- - You're a- - an ogre.

SHREK
Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.


FIONA
Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is
all wrong. You're not supposed to be
an ogre.

SHREK
Princess, I was sent to rescue you by
Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who
wants to marry you.

FIONA
Then why didn't he come rescue me?


SHREK
Good question. You should ask him that
when we get there.

FIONA
But I have to be rescued by my true
love, not by some ogre and his- - his
pet.

DONKEY
Well, so much for noble steed.

SHREK
You're not making my job any easier.


FIONA
I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.
You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he
wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.

SHREK
Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all
right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy.
(he swiftly picks her up and swings
her over his shoulder like she was a
sack of potatoes)

FIONA
You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

SHREK
Ya comin', Donkey?

DONKEY
I'm right behind ya.

FIONA
Put me down, or you will suffer the
consequences! This is not dignified!
Put me down!

WOODS

A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just
hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.

DONKEY
Okay, so here's another question. Say
there's a woman that digs you, right,
but you don't really like her that way.
How do you let her down real easy so
her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't
get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA
You just tell her she's not your true
love. Everyone knows what happens when
you find your...(Shrek drops her on
the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to
DuLoc the better.

DONKEY
You're gonna love it there, Princess.
It's beautiful!

FIONA
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad?
What's he like?

SHREK
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men
of Farquaad's stature are in short supply.
(he and Donkey laugh)

Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off
the dust and grime.

DONKEY
I don't know. There are those who think
little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona:
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're
just jealous you can never measure up
to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.


SHREK
Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess.
But I'll let you do the "measuring"
when you see him tomorrow.

FIONA
(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?
It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop
to make camp?

SHREK
No, that'll take longer. We can keep
going.

FIONA
But there's robbers in the woods.

DONKEY
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting
to sound good.

SHREK
Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything
we're going to see in this forest.


FIONA
I need to find somewhere to camp now!


Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her.


MOUNTAIN CLIFF

Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves
a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

SHREK
Hey! Over here.

DONKEY
Shrek, we can do better than that. I
don't think this is fit for a princess.


FIONA
No, no, it's perfect. It just needs
a few homey touches.

SHREK
Homey touches? Like what? (he hears
a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona
who has torn the bark off of a tree.)


FIONA
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee
good night. (goes into the cave and
puts the bark door up behind her)


DONKEY
You want me to read you a bedtime story?
I will.

FIONA
(os) I said good night!

Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona
still inside.

DONKEY
Shrek, What are you doing?

SHREK
(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,
come on. I was just kidding.

LATER THAT NIGHT

Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring
up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations
to Donkey.

SHREK
And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,
the only ogre to ever spit over three
wheat fields.

DONKEY
Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future
from these stars?

SHREK
The stars don't tell the future, Donkey.
They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,
the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for.

DONKEY
I know you're making this up.

SHREK
No, look. There he is, and there's the
group of hunters running away from his
stench.

DONKEY
That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little
dots.

SHREK
You know, Donkey, sometimes things are
more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.


DONKEY
(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what
we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?


SHREK
Our swamp?

DONKEY
You know, when we're through rescuing
the princess.

SHREK
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's
no "our". There's just me and my swamp.
The first thing I'm gonna do is build
a ten-foot wall around my land.

DONKEY
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real
deep just now. You know what I think?
I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.

SHREK
No, do ya think?

DONKEY
Are you hidin' something?

SHREK
Never mind, Donkey.

DONKEY
Oh, this is another one of those onion
things, isn't it?

SHREK
No, this is one of those drop-it and
leave-it alone things.

DONKEY
Why don't you want to talk about it?


SHREK
Why do you want to talk about it?

DONKEY
Why are you blocking?

SHREK
I'm not blocking.

DONKEY
Oh, yes, you are.

SHREK
Donkey, I'm warning you.

DONKEY
Who you trying to keep out?

SHREK
Everyone! Okay?

DONKEY
(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
(grins)

At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to
the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her.

SHREK
Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and
walks over to the edge of the cliff
and sits down)

DONKEY
What's your problem? What you got against
the whole world anyway?

SHREK
Look, I'm not the one with the problem,
okay? It's the world that seems to have
a problem with me. People take one look
at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,
stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before
they even know me. That's why I'm better
off alone.

DONKEY
You know what? When we met, I didn't
think you was just a big, stupid, ugly
ogre.

SHREK
Yeah, I know.

DONKEY
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?


SHREK
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small
and Annoying.

DONKEY
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny
one, right there. That one there?


Fiona puts the door back.

SHREK
That's the moon.

DONKEY
Oh, okay.

DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom

The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays
in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic
Mirror shows him Princess Fiona.

FARQUAAD
Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,
show her to me. Show me the princess.


MIRROR
Hmph.

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.


FARQUAAD
Ah. Perfect.

Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up
to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly
at her image in the mirror.

MORNING

Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey
who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes
across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along
with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles
to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too
big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but
she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona
is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still
sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking
in his sleep.

DONKEY
(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like
it like that. Come on, baby. I said
I like it.

SHREK
Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

DONKEY
Huh? What?

SHREK
Wake up.

DONKEY
What? (stretches and yawns)

FIONA
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your
eggs?

DONKEY
Oh, good morning, Princess!

Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

SHREK
What's all this about?

FIONA
You know, we kind of got off to a bad
start yesterday. I wanted to make it
up to you. I mean, after all, you did
rescue me.

SHREK
Uh, thanks.

Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

FIONA
Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead
of us. (walks off)

LATER

They are once again on their way. They are walking through the
forest. Shrek belches.

DONKEY
Shrek!

SHREK
What? It's a compliment. Better out
than in, I always say. (laughs)

DONKEY
Well, it's no way to behave in front
of a princess.

Fiona belches

FIONA
Thanks.

DONKEY
She's as nasty as you are.

SHREK
(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly
what I expected.

FIONA
Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people
before you get to know them.

She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly
from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into
a tree.

ROBIN HOOD
La liberte! Hey!

SHREK
Princess!

FIONA
(to Robin Hood) What are you doing?


ROBIN HOOD
Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!
And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses
up her arm while Fiona pulls back in
disgust)...beast.

SHREK
Hey! That's my princess! Go find you
own!

ROBIN HOOD
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a
little busy here?

FIONA
(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't
know who you think you are!

ROBIN HOOD
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please
let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.
(laughs)

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out
from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song.

MERRY MEN
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

ROBIN HOOD
I steal from the rich and give to the
needy.

MERRY MEN
He takes a wee percentage,

ROBIN HOOD
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty
damsels, man, I'm good.

MERRY MEN
What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

ROBIN HOOD
Break it down. I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid...

MERRY MEN
What he's basically saying is he likes
to get...

ROBIN HOOD
Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.


MERRY MEN
That's bad.

ROBIN HOOD
When a beauty's with a beast it makes
me awfully mad.

MERRY MEN
He's mad, he's really, really mad.


ROBIN HOOD
I'll take my blade and ram it through
your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start...

There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and
knocks Robin Hood unconscious.

FIONA
Man, that was annoying!

Shrek looks at her in admiration.

MERRY MAN
Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at
Fiona but she ducks out of the way)


The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to
get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.


Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and
then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is
a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in
mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,
and Fiona begins walking away.

FIONA
Uh, shall we?

SHREK
Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins
walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?

FIONA
What?

SHREK
That! Back there. That was amazing!
Where did you learn that?

FIONA
Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,
uh, one has to learn these things in
case there's a...(gasps and points)
there's an arrow in your butt!

SHREK
What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you
look at that? (he goes to pull it out
but flinches because it's tender)


FIONA
Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so
sorry.

DONKEY
(walking up) Why? What's wrong?

FIONA
Shrek's hurt.

DONKEY
Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no,
Shrek's gonna die.

SHREK
Donkey, I'm okay.

DONKEY
You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm
too young for you to die. Keep you legs
elevated. Turn your head and cough.
Does anyone know the Heimlich?

FIONA
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help
Shrek, run into the woods and find me
a blue flower with red thorns.

DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on
it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die
Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay
away from the light!

SHREK & FIONA
Donkey!

DONKEY
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
(runs off)

SHREK
What are the flowers for?

FIONA
(like it's obvious) For getting rid
of Donkey.

SHREK
Ah.

FIONA
Now you hold still, and I'll yank this
thing out. (gives the arrow a little
pull)

SHREK
(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the
yankin'.

As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and
Shrek keeps dodging her hands.

FIONA
I'm sorry, but it has to come out.


SHREK
No, it's tender.

FIONA
Now, hold on.

SHREK
What you're doing is the opposite of
help.

FIONA
Don't move.

SHREK
Look, time out.

FIONA
Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his
hand over her face to stop her from
getting at the arrow) Okay. What do
you propose we do?

ELSEWHERE

Donkey is still looking for the special flower.

DONKEY
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,
red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
This would be so much easier if I wasn't
color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.


SHREK
(os) Ow!

DONKEY
Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a
flower off a nearby bush that just happens
to be a blue flower with red thorns)


THE FOREST PATH

SHREK
Ow! Not good.

FIONA
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
(Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just
about...

SHREK
Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall
over with Fiona on top of him)

DONKEY
Ahem.

SHREK
(throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing
happend. We were just, uh - -

DONKEY
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all
you had to do was ask. Okay?

SHREK
Oh, come on! That's the last thing on
my mind. The princess here was just-
- (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he
turns to look at Fiona who holds up
the arrow with a smile) Ow!

DONKEY
Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)
That's...is that blood?

Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue
on their way.

There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc.
Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a
small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as
Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back
into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting
and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb
that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins
eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers.
Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting
it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning
it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group
arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.

WINDMILL

SHREK
There it is, Princess. Your future awaits
you.

FIONA
That's DuLoc?

DONKEY
Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks
Lord Farquaad's compensating for something,
which I think means he has a really...(Shrek
steps on his hoof) Ow!

SHREK
Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move
on.

FIONA
Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried
about Donkey.

SHREK
What?

FIONA
I mean, look at him. He doesn't look
so good.

DONKEY
What are you talking about? I'm fine.


FIONA
(kneels to look him in the eyes) That's
what they always say, and then next
thing you know, you're on your back.
(pause) Dead.

SHREK
You know, she's right. You look awful.
Do you want to sit down?

FIONA
Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.


DONKEY
I didn't want to say nothin', but I
got this twinge in my neck, and when
I turn my head like this, look, (turns
his neck in a very sharp way until his
head is completely sideways) Ow! See?


SHREK
Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.


FIONA
I'll get the firewood.

DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't
feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)
I don't have any toes! I think I need
a hug.

SUNSET

Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while
Fiona eats.

FIONA
Mmm. This is good. This is really good.
What is this?

SHREK
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

FIONA
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.


SHREK
Well, they're also great in stews. Now,
I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean
weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs.

FIONA
I guess I'll be dining a little differently
tomorrow night.

SHREK
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp
sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff
for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare
- - you name it.

FIONA
(smiles) I'd like that.

They smiles at each other.

SHREK
Um, Princess?

FIONA
Yes, Shrek?

SHREK
I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)
Are you gonna eat that?

DONKEY
(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?
Just look at that sunset.

FIONA
(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's
late. I-It's very late.

SHREK
What?

DONKEY
Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on
here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't
you?

FIONA
Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.
You know, I'd better go inside.

DONKEY
Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to
be afraid of the dark, too, until -
- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of
the dark.

Shrek sighs

FIONA
Good night.

SHREK
Good night.

Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks
at Shrek with a new eye.

DONKEY
Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on
here.

SHREK
Oh, what are you talkin' about?

DONKEY
I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm
an animal, and I got instincts. And
I know you two were diggin' on each
other. I could feel it.

SHREK
You're crazy. I'm just bringing her
back to Farquaad.

DONKEY
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell
the pheromones. Just go on in and tell
her how you feel.

SHREK
I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,
even if I did tell her that, well, you
know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause
I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm
- -

DONKEY
An ogre?

SHREK
Yeah. An ogre.

DONKEY
Hey, where you goin'?

SHREK
To get... move firewood. (sighs)

Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already
is.

TIME LAPSE

Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is
nowhere to be seen.

DONKEY
Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess,
where are you? Princess?

Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her.


DONKEY
It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing
no games.

Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't
look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking
out.

DONKEY
Aah!

FIONA
Oh, no!

DONKEY
No, help!

FIONA
Shh!

DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA
No, it's okay. It's okay.

DONKEY
What did you do with the princess?


FIONA
Donkey, I'm the princess.

DONKEY
Aah!

FIONA
It's me, in this body.

DONKEY
Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to
her stomach) Can you hear me?

FIONA
Donkey!

DONKEY
(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,
keep breathing! I'll get you out of
there!

FIONA
No!

DONKEY
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA
Shh.

DONKEY
Shrek!

FIONA
This is me.

Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets
down.

DONKEY
Princess? What happened to you? You're,
uh, uh, uh, different.

FIONA
I'm ugly, okay?

DONKEY
Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?
'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a
bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.
Now - -

FIONA
No. I - - I've been this way as long
as I can remember.

DONKEY
What do you mean? Look, I ain't never
seen you like this before.

FIONA
It only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This
shall be the norm... until you find
true love's first kiss... and then take
love's true form."

DONKEY
Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know
you wrote poetry.

FIONA
It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little
girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every
night I become this. This horrible,
ugly beast! I was placed in a tower
to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun
sets and he sees me like this. (begins
to cry)

DONKEY
All right, all right. Calm down. Look,
it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.
Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.
But you only look like this at night.
Shrek's ugly 24-7.

FIONA
But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this
is not how a princess is meant to look.


DONKEY
Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry
Farquaad?

FIONA
I have to. Only my true love's kiss
can break the spell.

DONKEY
But, you know, um, you're kind of an
orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a
lot in common.

FIONA
Shrek?

OUTSIDE

Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his
hand.

SHREK
(to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's
it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower
and thought of you because it's pretty
and - - well, I don't really like it,
but I thought you might like it 'cause
you're pretty. But I like you anyway.
I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.
Okay, here we go.

He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking.

FIONA
(os) I can't just marry whoever I want.
Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean,
really, who can ever love a beast so
hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly"
don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.

Shrek steps back in shock.

FIONA
(os) My only chance to live happily
ever after is to marry my true love.


Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away.

INSIDE

FIONA
Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how
it has to be. It's the only way to break
the spell.

DONKEY
You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.


FIONA
No! You can't breathe a word. No one
must ever know.

DONKEY
What's the point of being able to talk
if you gotta keep secrets?

FIONA
Promise you won't tell. Promise!

DONKEY
All right, all right. I won't tell him.
But you should. (goes outside) I just
know before this is over, I'm gonna
need a whole lot of serious therapy.
Look at my eye twitchin'.

Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks
down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back
inside the windmill.

MORNING

Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still
awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

FIONA
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him,
I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly
runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek!
Shrek, there's something I want...(she
looks and sees the rising sun, and as
the sun crests the sky she turns back
into a human.)

Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards
her.

FIONA
Shrek. Are you all right?

SHREK
Perfect! Never been better.

FIONA
I - - I don't - - There's something
I have to tell you.

SHREK
You don't have to tell me anything,
Princess. I heard enough last night.


FIONA
You heard what I said?

SHREK
Every word.

FIONA
I thought you'd understand.

SHREK
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who
could love a hideous, ugly beast?"


FIONA
But I thought that wouldn't matter to
you.

SHREK
Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at
him in shock. He looks past her and
spots a group approaching.) Ah, right
on time. Princess, I've brought you
a little something.

Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal
sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only
like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers
march by.

DONKEY
What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots
the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?
Couldn't have been the donkey.

FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona.

SHREK
As promised. Now hand it over.

FARQUAAD
Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece
of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before
I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper)
Forgive me, Princess, for startling
you, but you startled me, for I have
never seen such a radiant beauty before.
I'm Lord Farquaad.

FIONA
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad
snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord,
for I was just saying a short... (Watches
as Farquaad is lifted off his horse
and set down in front of her. He comes
to her waist.) farewell.

FARQUAAD
Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have
to waste good manners on the ogre. It's
not like it has feelings.

FIONA
No, you're right. It doesn't.

Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.


FARQUAAD
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless
Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage.
Will you be the perfect bride for the
perfect groom?

FIONA
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would
make - -

FARQUAAD
(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start
the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

FIONA
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get
married today before the sun sets.


FARQUAAD
Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.
The sooner, the better. There's so much
to do! There's the caterer, the cake,
the band, the guest list. Captain, round
up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona
on the back of his horse)

FIONA
Fare-thee-well, ogre.

Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches
them go.

DONKEY
Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting
her get away.

SHREK
Yeah? So what?

DONKEY
Shrek, there's something about her you
don't know. Look, I talked to her last
night, She's - -

SHREK
I know you talked to her last night.
You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if
you two are such good friends, why don't
you follow her home?

DONKEY
Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.

SHREK
I told you, didn't I? You're not coming
home with me. I live alone! My swamp!
Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,
talking donkeys!

DONKEY
But I thought - -

SHREK
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!
(stomps off)

DONKEY
Shrek.

_________________
Steam, origin, smashladder, GameJolt: littletymcfly

Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona
being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running
into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner
alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.

SHREK'S HOME

Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes
outside to investigate.

SHREK
Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues
with what he's doing.) What are you
doing?

DONKEY
I would think, of all people, you would
recognize a wall when you see one.


SHREK
Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed
to go around my swamp, not through it.


DONKEY
It is around your half. See that's your
half, and this is my half.

SHREK
Oh! Your half. Hmm.

DONKEY
Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess.
I did half the work. I get half the
booty. Now hand me that big old rock,
the one that looks like your head.


SHREK
Back off!

DONKEY
No, you back off.

SHREK
This is my swamp!

DONKEY
Our swamp.

SHREK
(grabs the tree branch Donkey is working
with) Let go, Donkey!

DONKEY
You let go.

SHREK
Stubborn jackass!

DONKEY
Smelly ogre.

SHREK
Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks
away)

DONKEY
Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through
with you yet.

SHREK
Well, I'm through with you.

DONKEY
Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,
"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now
it's my turn! So you just shut up and
pay attention! You are mean to me. You
insult me and you don't appreciate anything
that I do! You're always pushing me
around or pushing me away.

SHREK
Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so
bad, how come you came back?

DONKEY
Because that's what friends do! They
forgive each other!

SHREK
Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive
you... for stabbin' me in the back!
(goes into the outhouse and slams the
door)

DONKEY
Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,
onion boy, you're afraid of your own
feelings.

SHREK
(os) Go away!

DONKEY
There you are , doing it again just
like you did to Fiona. All she ever
do was like you, maybe even love you.


SHREK
(os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a
hideous creature. I heard the two of
you talking.

DONKEY
She wasn't talkin' about you. She was
talkin' about, uh, somebody else.


SHREK
(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't
talking about me? Well, then who was
she talking about?

DONKEY
Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.
You don't wanna listen to me. Right?
Right?

SHREK
Donkey!

DONKEY
No!

SHREK
Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)
I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,
stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?


DONKEY
Hey, that's what friends are for, right?


SHREK
Right. Friends?

DONKEY
Friends.

SHREK
So, um, what did Fiona say about me?


DONKEY
What are you asking me for? Why don't
you just go ask her?

SHREK
The wedding! We'll never make it in
time.

DONKEY
Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's
a will, there's a way and I have a way.
(whistles)

Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so
they can climb on.

SHREK
Donkey?

DONKEY
I guess it's just my animal magnetism.


They both laugh.

SHREK
Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a
noogie)

DONKEY
All right, all right. Don't get all
slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All
right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't
had a chance to install the seat belts
yet.

They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc.

DULOC - CHURCH

Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there.
The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.


PRIEST
People of DuLoc, we gather here today
to bear witness to the union....

FIONA
(eyeing the setting sun) Um-

PRIEST
...of our new king...

FIONA
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead
to the "I do's"?

FARQUAAD
(chuckles and then motions to the priest
to indulge Fiona) Go on.

COURTYARD

Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with
a boom. The guards all take off running.

DONKEY
(to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.
If we need you, I'll whistle. How about
that? (she nods and goes after the guards)
Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You
wanna do this right, don't you?

SHREK
(at the Church door) What are you talking
about?

DONKEY
There's a line you gotta wait for. The
preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or
forever hold your peace." That's when
you say, "I object!"

SHREK
I don't have time for this!

DONKEY
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen
to me! Look, you love this woman, don't
you?

SHREK
Yes.

DONKEY
You wanna hold her?

SHREK
Yes.

DONKEY
Please her?

SHREK
Yes!

DONKEY
(singing James Brown style) Then you
got to, got to try a little tenderness.
(normal) The chicks love that romantic
crap!

SHREK
All right! Cut it out. When does this
guy say the line?

DONKEY
We gotta check it out.

INSIDE CHURCH

As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the
windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

PRIEST
And so, by the power vested in me...


Outside

SHREK
What do you see?

DONKEY
The whole town's in there.

Inside

PRIEST
I now pronounce you husband and wife...


Outside

DONKEY
They're at the altar.

Inside

PRIEST
...king and queen.

Outside

DONKEY
Mother Fletcher! He already said it.


SHREK
Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.


INSIDE CHURCH

SHREK
(running toward the alter) I object!


FIONA
Shrek?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.

FARQUAAD
Oh, now what does he want?

SHREK
(to congregation as he reaches the front
of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'
a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first
of all. Very clean.

FIONA
What are you doing here?

SHREK
Really, it's rude enough being alive
when no one wants you, but showing up
uninvited to a wedding...

SHREK
Fiona! I need to talk to you.

FIONA
Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little
late for that, so if you'll excuse me
- -

SHREK
But you can't marry him.

FIONA
And why not?

SHREK
Because- - Because he's just marring
you so he can be king.

FARQUAAD
Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.


SHREK
He's not your true love.

FIONA
And what do you know about true love?


SHREK
Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

FARQUAAD
Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen
in love with the princess! Oh, good
Lord. (laughs)

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The
whole congregation laughs.

FARQUAAD
An ogre and a princess!

FIONA
Shrek, is this true?

FARQUAAD
Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona,
my love, we're but a kiss away from
our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!
(puckers his lips and leans toward her,
but she pulls back.)

FIONA
(looking at the setting sun) "By night
one way, by day another." (to Shrek)
I wanted to show you before.

She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self.
She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.

SHREK
Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona
smiles)

FARQUAAD
Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!
I order you to get that out of my sight
now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights
them.

SHREK
No, no!

FIONA
Shrek!

FARQUAAD
This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This
marriage is binding, and that makes
me king! See? See?

FIONA
No, let go of me! Shrek!

SHREK
No!

FARQUAAD
Don't just stand there, you morons.


SHREK
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!

FARQUAAD
I'll make you regret the day we met.
I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll
beg for death to save you!

FIONA
No, Shrek!

FARQUAAD
(hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And
as for you, my wife...

SHREK
Fiona!

FARQUAAD
I'll have you locked back in that tower
for the rest of your days! I'm king!


Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.

FARQUAAD
I will have order! I will have perfection!
I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon
show up and the dragon leans down and
eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah!

DONKEY
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon
here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
(The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on
the edge!

The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground.

DONKEY
Celebrity marriages. They never last,
do they?

The congregation cheers.

DONKEY
Go ahead, Shrek.

SHREK
Uh, Fiona?

FIONA
Yes, Shrek?

SHREK
I - - I love you.

FIONA
Really?

SHREK
Really, really.

FIONA
(smiles) I love you too.

Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.


CONGREGATION
Aawww!

Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted
up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around
her.

WHISPERS
"Until you find true love's first kiss
and then take love's true form. Take
love's true form. Take love's true form."


Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell
and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

SHREK
(going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are
you all right?

FIONA
(standing up, she's still an ogre) Well,
yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed
to be beautiful.

SHREK
But you ARE beautiful.

They smile at each other.

DONKEY
(chuckles) I was hoping this would be
a happy ending.

Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into...

THE SWAMP

...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm
a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek
and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting
carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet
which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end
up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet
instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now
has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona
walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over
singing the song.

GINGERBREAD MAN
God bless us, every one.

DONKEY
(as he's done singing and we fade to
black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't
breathe. I can't breathe.

THE END

_________________
Steam, origin, smashladder, GameJolt: littletymcfly

LOL. The original Shrek.

I... I can't even... why did I read both walls of text....

You better have a look at this, sir.

- Commercial flight. - No. Too fast, sir.

- One of our own? - Air Force has nothing scheduled.

We've got ourselves a bogey.

Orange Leader to Delta Group, anticipate visual contact...

now.

Holy cow pie!

Hi. Nice antiques.

Gotta blast.

Fusion mix, stable. Engines cycling at one million gigajoules.

Cool. We didn't blow up.

Great.

Jimmy, I think they want us to pull over.

No time for that, Carl. Stand by with the satellite.

OK. What do I do again?

You're the deployment system, Carl.

As soon as we clear the atmosphere, you just throw it.

- Right. - Prepare to leave the atmosphere.

Sorry about the toast, dear. I had to make it in the oven.

- I can't find our toaster anywhere. - Looky.

This oven toast is brilliant, sugar booger.

And your yolks are absolutely perfect, too.

Run away with me, my love.

OK. But we'll have to take my car

because your transmission needs a new compression cuff.

Whatever.

This is a good one. Quack, quack.

Would you call Jimmy? He's going to miss the bus.

Jimmy, breakfast!

Time to come down!

# Down, down, down, down, quack Down, down, down, down, quack

Up, up, up.

Engaging pulse rockets now!

- No! - Now?

Is this supposed to happen?

Come on. Think.

Think. Think.

Brain blast.

Give me your lunch.

Thanks, boy.

Don't try that at home.

Must engage stabilisers.

Now, just a quick stop at my house.

I don't know, Jimmy. I gotta get to school on time. Besides, you...

- Right. Gotcha. - No, I didn't mean... Jimmy!

- See you in homeroom. - OK.

Fasten your seat belt, Goddard. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Well, what do you know, the chimney fell off again.

Well, that wasn't so bad, huh?

James Isaac Neutron.

I see you up there.

How many times have we told you not to launch yourself off the roof?

Probably nine. Exactly nine.

They say repetition is good for a developing brain.

Then what do you think you're doing?

Last night I got a message from space, but it was garbled in the ionosphere,

so I had to launch a communications toaster... I mean, satellite.

- And then when I tried... - Well, message from space. Wow.

Don't encourage him, Hugh.

Jimmy, we've repeatedly told you not to talk to strangers.

But, Mom, I'm on the verge of contact with an advanced alien civilisation.

I don't care how advanced they say they are, Jimmy.

If your father and I haven't met them, they're strangers. Right, Hugh?

Well, except for policemen. They're there to help you.

You've got to admit that is pretty neat.

But very unsafe, honey. That's bad.

Deactivate pants.

Engage, Gingivitis .

Robo-Barber prototype, engage.

Online.

Ta-da.

You rock.

You go, girl.

Shoe-Bot!

Bye, Goddard.

- Wait! I'm here! - Goodbye, son. Have a good day.

Goddard, not on the porch.

Hey! Hey, wait!

Seems like the perfect opportunity to try out the Super Bubble Gumobile.

"No, Jimmy, don't try it. It's too soon."

Nonsense. All great inventions need a test run.

All right!

Hello!

- Right here. - Hey, look. Neutron's got another one.

Nice invention, Nerdtron. Too bad somebody already invented the bus.

Hey, guys, I've got it down this time.

Internal combustion's such old science. Bubble travel is the way of the future.

I guess trees are, like, the brakes.

Hello?

Jimmy?

Carl.

Careful!

Hey!

- Thanks. - That's what I'm here for.

- What a day, huh? - Look at the bright side, Carl.

The worst is behind us.

And my fossil-to-chromosome ratios clearly demonstrate

that female dinosaurs, like this plesiosaurus,

were the stronger and smarter of their species.

But, so what else is new?

After class I'll be happy to demonstrate how boy dinosaurs

got their butts kicked by girl dinosaurs on a regular basis.

Excuse me, but the mandible crest of Cindy's alleged "plesiosaurus"

is that of a male megalosaur, as defined by the Congress of Palaeontologists.

Those findings were inconclusive, and you know it, Neutron.

Hello! Miss Fowl,

what is the standard for research on these extra-credit reports?

Yes, well... Let's move along to "show and tell" now, shall we?

This is Ultra Lord.

Sheen, this is the seventh week in a row you've shown Ultra Lord in class.

Miss Fowl, this one is different.

This "Purple Vengeance" version with power fists and nuclear knees

is a rare, never-been-seen condition, making it highly collectable.

Never been seen, huh? Well, then, how do you know it's even in there?

No!

Hey, Jimmy, wanna see a frog?

- That looks great, Carl. - Thanks. What are you drawing?

Flycycle modifications for Goddard. Second prototype.

Prototype, huh?

- Well, you know, that looks good, too. - Thanks, Carl.

Carl! Would you please share with us your "show and tell"?

OK.

This is my inhaler.

It provides fast-acting relief of bronchial swelling

due to asthma or allergies.

One touch of the button and...

- I can't see! - Thank you, Carl.

All right. Next we have...

Nick!

Yes, Nick.

You are a tad tardy again.

Oh, my. Am I?

It took me a little while to copy my mom's handwriting for this late note.

Your "show and tell", please.

How's it goin'?

You know, I don't really do "show and tell".

Yes, that's right. Thank you, Nick.

- Did you drop this? - Yes. Well, I...

My dropped pencil.

Jimmy, we eagerly await another one of your

interesting "show and tells".

As a matter of fact, I brought my latest invention.

Behold. The Shrink Ray!

What's the matter, Neutron? Aren't you short enough already?

Funny, Cindy.

But this device is more suited to shrink something as vast as space itself,

like, say, your mouth.

Help me. Help me. I'm so tiny.

Just like Jimmy's brain.

So much for the Nobel Prize.

Children, that's enough.

Better luck next time.

It worked this morning.

I like your useless shrink ray, Jimmy.

Well, it's probably just a programming error.

Oh, my.

Back! Back! Leviathan!

Come on, Jimmy.

Some of the greatest inventors started as complete, hopeless failures, too.

- Yeah. - Well, thank you, Carl.

I feel better, I think.

- I'm glad. - That's good.

Hey, Retroland Theme Park. Check it out.

Meet Ultra Lord. Live!

Look, it's the state-of-the-art, bone-warping gravity ride.

I can hang out with Ultra Lord.

And there's a petting zoo.

- Well, look at this. - No, meet Ultra Lord live.

Llamas and capybaras.

Who cares? Meet Ultra Lord live.

Yeah, but I'm gonna touch a llama.

Guys, we have got to go to the grand opening tonight.

Yeah!

Yeah. But my folks won't let me stay out after dark.

Well, it is a school night.

Pukin' Pluto, there's gotta be something we can do. It's the grand opening.

- Sneak out. - What?

You heard me, dweebs. Sneak out.

Yeah, but my parents sorta told me...

Parents. What, are you guys gonna be kids forever?

What your parents don't know won't hurt 'em.

But, Nick, sneaking out is so barbaric.

Whatever, Neutron. But there's only one opening night,

and anybody who matters is gonna be there.

What d'you think, Jimmy?

Nick has a point. There is only one opening night.

Think, think, think, think, think.

Well, according to the y:i Newville Journal of Medicine,

monkeys are easily influenced by positive reinforcement,

e.g. The giving of a banana.

And since human and monkey DNA only differ by two per cent,

the same principle should work on our parents.

My dad's allergic to bananas.

It's not the bananas. It's the principle.

It's called psychology.

All you have to do is butter 'em up.

Give it a try. I'll call you guys later.

We go to Retroland tonight!

Yeah!

- Watch out! - Hey!

Hold on!

I know.

Excuse me, are you through with that? Thanks.

A few oysters.

One lump of coal coming up.

- Thanks, Gus. - Hi, Jimmy.

Excuse me.

Jimmy, is that you, dear?

Yeah, Mom. I'll be in in a second.

DNA match confirmed. Welcome home, Jimmy.

Eliminate school smell.

- Normal odour restored. - Thank you, Vox.

You're welcome.

Warning. Entry tube closed for maintenance.

- Thank you, Vox. - You're welcome.

Here, Goddard. Here, boy.

Here, Goddard.

Hey, look what I brought ya. Aluminium.

Do you want it? Do you want it? Huh?

Sit.

Roll over.

Play dead.

Mental note: Fix bug in obedience program.

Good boy.

OK, Goddard, let's check the experiments.

The invisible hamsters are looking great...

I think.

Let's see how the girl-eating plant is doing.

Nice choice.

As usual.

The latest burping-soda formula.

A guaranteed one burp per sip.

Excuse you!

You know, there's still no reply to our satellite message.

Jeez, it's been a whole day.

You'd think we would have heard from an alien civilisation by now, huh?

Well, come on, Goddard.

Say "Aah".

Add a little sand.

And in you go.

I'm just an old lump of coal

But I'm gonna be a diamond some day

Oh, yeah

Jimmy.

Hi, Mom.

Jimmy, you scared the bejabers out of me.

Sorry about your bejabers, Mom.

And might I add how lovely you look today.

- I'm covered in transmission fluid. - Exactly.

And might I say, filth never looked so good.

Yes, well, how was "show and tell" today?

Was OK. But first, happy birthday, Mom.

Jimmy, these are beautiful.

But, sweetie, it's not my birthday.

It's not? Well...

Then whatever will I do with these lovely pearls and priceless earrings?

- These can't be real. - But they can.

And they are!

And all these fabulous gifts and prizes could be yours

if you know the correct answer to this question.

- Please may I go to Retroland tonight? - No, it's a school night.

Thank you so much, Mother. And might I say...

- Did you just say no? - Yes.

- Yes! - No.

- No? - Yes.

- Yes! - Jimmy...

But all my friends are going.

And anybody who matters is gonna be there, Mom.

I matter and your father matters and you matter.

But you're not going. Maybe we can go next weekend.

Wait. I'm sure there must be something else in here to change your mind...

No, Jimmy! Look out! Look out, Jimmy!

Jimmy, be careful.

Mom, get me out!

- I didn't do it! - Stop, drop and roll! My goodness!

Goddard.

OK, Jimmy. That's the last straw.

We have told you time and time again about playing with rockets.

But, Mom, it's technically not a rocket. It's more of a jet-pack-type thing.

I don't care what type thing it is.

You just climb those stair-type things right now.

Your father will have a few words to say to you when he gets home.

It's not a rocket.

- March. - Mom...

Yes.

The king, he loves his little orthgot.

Yes, he does. Yes, he does. Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

Sire, my King, it appears to be some type of alien transmission device.

Tell me, when did it become acceptable

to approach my royal throne unannounced?

Yes, of course, my King.

- Space him! - I assure you that...

Wait!

I missed it.

- Can I, can I, can I space another? - No.

- Please, brother. - I said no, Ooblar.

- Oh, please, oh, please, oh, please... - I would love for that to stop.

What have we here?

As the king's assistant, I am the official checker of new things to be checked.

It's all right. It's all right. I'll handle this.

Hello!

What galaxy are you from?

- Ooblar. - Where is your leader?

Ooblar, stop it. It's toast.

Hello, toast.

I greatly admire your ship.

Beginning transmission from Earth.

Greetings from planet Earth.

I'm Jimmy Neutron and you're an alien life form.

- I welcome the opportunity... - What a big head.

...for the mutual exchange of scientific knowledge and universal brotherhood.

This here is my dog, Goddard.

And this that you're looking at is my room. That's where I sleep.

And this is my mom and dad right here. Mom, Dad.

Freeze that image.

They look...

delicious.

The search is over!

But, Dad, all my friends are gonna be there.

I know, son, but if all your friends were named Cliff, would you jump off them?

I don't think you would. You see, Jimmy...

Jimmy. Jim, Jim, Jimmy.

Jim, James, son, let me tell you a little about rockets.

They're big-people things, son.

And you just can't go around playing with big-people, fiery, flying things

because that's what rockets are.

Rockets are flying things.

Well, I hope this talk has helped.

And, by the way, Mom says you're grounded.

Sorry.

What good is it to be a genius if you can't even go out on a school night?

Goddard, options.

Apologise. Your parents love you.

Next.

Create a time capsule. Escape to the future.

That'll take too long. Next.

Build Goddard a female poodle.

Goddard, this is serious.

Sneak out.

That's it. Barbaric problems call for barbaric solutions.

Phone, please.

Carl, it's me.

You get permission? Me neither.

It turns out parents don't understand psychology.

Tell Sheen to meet us at Retroland in one hour.

We're sneakin' out.

Halt! Hold it right there!

Jimmy's awfully quiet up there, Hugh. Do you think we were too tough?

- No, I don't think so, dear. No. - Maybe I should check on him.

Now, now. I'm sure he's just reflecting on the error of his ways.

Dealing with it in a mature, responsible manner.

"Mom says you're grounded." Take that.

It's working now.

OK, Goddard, you know what to do.

Good boy.

See you later, Goddard.

Jimmy's a big boy now. Don't you worry, sugar.

- I suppose you're right. - Yeah, sure.

I was a kid once. I remember being grounded a whole week

and not being allowed to go to my best friend's bachelor party.

- Well, what did you do? - Actually, I snuck out.

- You don't think that Jimmy... - No, no.

Besides, how's he gonna sneak out?

It's not like he can just walk right out the front door.

That's true.

Retroland, here I come.

Libby, you're breaking my concentration.

Hey, I gotta choose a ring that fits my personality.

Yeah! Here we go! Here we go!

Tell me what it is you're supposed to be doing again.

T'ai Chi, while drinking Purple Flurp.

T'ai Chi promotes wellness, relaxes and rejuvenates the body.

Whereas Purple Flurp,

being per cent sugar, creates tension

and a temporary rush of energy and mood swings.

I figure if I do them together,

I achieve perfect balance.

It's better than the poster.

Gentlemen, this will be a night we shan't easily forget.

I don't know what "shan't" means, but let's go.

Do you promise to use your powers for good and not evil?

Yes, Ultra Lord.

Now, Counterpart, take this Ultra Mask and lead the fight for justice.

Is this kid with anyone?

Go, Carl.

Now that's what I call a ride.

Let's go.

This is way beyond awesome.

Just think if you boneheaded dweebs had listened to your parents,

you'd be home in bed instead of riding this monster.

I tell you, he's fine.

Just a quick peek, Hugh.

There. Now, what did I tell you?

Jimmy, are you awake, dear?

Yes, Mother. I am awake.

Son, your mother and I just wanted to say good night.

Yes. And to tell you that we love you.

Honey, I know you're upset.

We don't like to punish you.

You're such a special boy.

According to this, we should encourage Jimmy without overindulging him.

OK. What does it say about rockets?

- Is there someone in the kitchen? - Our kitchen?

I didn't hear anything.

Honey, did you leave the green light on?

Jimmy?

Jimmy?

You're not Jimmy.

Hugh?

Hugh, are you all right?

Hugh?

- Was that so cool, dude! - Yeah! That was great!

- Mind-bending! - Yeah!

Hey, my pants are almost dry.

Hey, Jimmy, I never thought I'd say it, but here goes.

You know what? That Nick is not such a bad guy.

- Are you kidding? He's a genius. - He's a genius!

- No offence, Jimmy. - None taken.

Actually, I find his insights on how to deal with one's parents refreshing.

Yeah. Wouldn't it be great if our folks all disappeared for a while?

Yeah.

Hey, a shooting star.

Cool. You get to make a wish. Lucky.

What should I wish for?

I know what I'd wish for. I'd wish for no more parents.

That way we could do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted.

We'd be free. We could have fun all the time.

Yeah!

Liftoff in five,

four, three, two...

We have liftoff.

Abort mission. Abort mission.

Goddard, wake mode.

All right. Come on, boy. Race you to the kitchen.

Beat ya.

Hey, Mom, did you get any more Purple Flurp?

Mom!

"Dear son/daughter,

we have gone to Florida for an extended vacation."

"Love, your parents."

Yeah. My parents went to Florida, too.

That's weird.

From the look of it,

I'd say a lot of parents are gone.

Well... Did...

- Did they all go to Florida? - Maybe they went to get juice.

I don't digest pulp well. It makes me bloaty.

Goddard, scan for adult life forms.

Just as I thought. There are absolutely no adults anywhere within radar.

They're gone. The whole city.

No parents.

No parents.

No parents!

Excuse me.

I'm letting out the cold.

I'm peeing in the shower.

Llama, llama, llama!

I'm walking up the down escalator.

# My clothes don't match! I'm out in public and my clothes don't match!

I'm still doing it. Go, go, go.

Welcome to the Candy Bar. Whoopee cushion or non-whoopee cushion?

Jimmy!

What'll it be, boys?

- We'll have what he's throwing. - Excellent choice.

Hang on!

No skiing in the halls.

Don't make me get the protractor.

Morning, Goddard.

My head. What a night.

I'm stuffed now. I couldn't have ano...

OK, one more. I'm gonna have one more and then that'll be it.

What a battle. Are there any survivors?

Help me.

I remember my first time.

Shake it off, Neutron.

I gotta get home. Mom and Dad might be back by now.

Come on, Goddard.

We interrupt this programme to bring you this report.

Hey, knock it off, Arnie.

"Trouble in Paradise." That's what some kids are saying

in the aftermath of yesterday's "Mom and Dad are gone" celebrations.

Here's Courtney Tyler.

What started as an awesome day has become, like, a real bummer.

- Help us! - I don't know how to make lunch.

- I want my parents. - Somebody hold me.

I was playing on the teetertotter

and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and my knee hurt.

Reports of tummy aches, owies and constipation

have reached epidemic numbers over the past few hours,

with little indication of slowing down.

And so we were gonna see who could eat the most cotton candy.

And I won.

I want my mommy.

So, there you have it.

I want my mommy, too.

Mom? Dad?

What kind of parents take off and leave their kid?

And they didn't even say goodbye.

Son, your mother and I just wanted to say good night.

Yes. And to tell you that we love you.

We only do what we do because we love you.

Maybe we can all go to Retroland next weekend, the three of us.

What about my fabulous dog Goddard?

Sure. Your fabulous dog Goddard, too.

Well, good night, son.

Good night, Jimmy. Sweet dreams.

We'll see you in the morning.

OK.

So they said good night.

"In the morning"? Hey, wait a minute.

Play back the last part again. Audio only.

Good night, Jimmy. Sweet dreams. We'll see you in the morning.

There. Why would she say that if they weren't gonna be here?

Come on, Goddard. We're going to the lab.

It's just as I thought.

The serifs and kerning on the note don't match Mom and Dad's handwriting.

This note's a fake.

What is it, boy?

The Long-Range Space Scanner. It detected something.

Filtering out background radiation and... There it is.

Jumping Jupiter! The Earth's been visited by aliens!

OK, so me, you and a dog

are gonna battle an alien civilisation, right?

- By ourselves? - He's a good dog. Aren't you, boy?

The last time we tried this, we couldn't even break free of the atmosphere.

I know, I know. But I recalculated the thrust-to-fuel ratio

and I've adjusted the engine accordingly.

- I can fix that. - Neutron.

- What is it? - An angry mob.

In times of crisis, intellectuals are always the first to go.

Well, they don't look angry. They look like they're about to barf.

Let me go. You're messing with powers far beyond your mortal comprehension.

OK, Neutron.

Ultra Freak here says you really know what happened to all our parents.

Hey, how you doin'? I didn't say nothin' about our parents being abducted...

- Where's my mom and dad? - Hey, what's the matter?

Goddard, star map please.

Right about there.

Long-range sensors picked up these ion trails, indicating the route

for whatever intelligence abducted our parents.

They lead us somewhere in the Orion star system

three million light years away, so we'll need to leave by Friday.

OK, that gives us about two days to collect the plutonium,

design and test our fusion engines and build our fleet of interstellar warships.

We'll also need to bring snacks.

Any questions?

Are you sure about this, Neutron?

Well, the data seems to support this hypothesis.

Never argue with the data.

OK, Neutron, here's the lowdown.

You get us to those kidnapping alien scuzzballs,

and I'll take it from there.

We're getting our parents back.

OK, Ben, that's good. Let it down slow.

Two more turns, Emma. Not too tight.

Yup. Tape adhesion is within operational limits.

What? Cindy?

Cindy, what did you do to that intergalactic starship?

We thought that the deep recesses of space could use a feminine touch.

What do you think, Jimmy?

Yeah, it's OK, I guess.

You kinda ruined it though.

Hey, Jimmy, do these fusion reactors need fuel rods?

Come on, Sheen. It's not rocket science. You just have to...

Actually, I guess it is rocket science.

- No fuel rods, Sheen. - OK.

And for the final touch...

Good work, everybody. We're ready for intergalactic travel.

Neutron, this is gonna work, right?

- Yeah, Jimmy. What if it doesn't work? - It will work!

I'm per cent sure it will.

- ? - Yeah.

Yeah, and the other five per cent?

We blow up.

But just a little.

Look, a is still an "A".

Yeah, I can deal with that. I never got a in my life.

You heard the man. Stop sucking your thumbs and let's light this candle.

Goddard, initiate launch sequence.

Make sure seat belts are fastened

and remember to keep your hands and arms inside the vehicles at all times.

Come on, everybody. Get in formation.

Carl, you're too low.

Come on, you stupid butterfly.

Go, Counterparts! Go!

Hang on. We're passing through the stratosphere.

Now the mesosphere.

Entering ionosphere.

Now I know why they all end in "phere"!

This is it, baby. Engaging pulse rockets now.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Look, Goddard. The wonders of the universe.

We are witnessing celestial events no person, or dog, has ever seen.

It's incredible.

Beautiful, isn't it, Nick?

Yeah, yeah. Wake me when we get there.

Hey, Jimmy.

D'you think we can rotate shifts after a while?

Hey, we'll switch.

Hey, this astronaut food isn't too bad.

That's toothpaste, Carl.

Minty.

- Hey, what's happening? - Meteor shower.

Evasive action.

I do so relish these times of peril.

- That was close. - Look out!

We've gotta find shelter.

Asteroid bearing . degrees.

Come on!

So then these three filmmakers find all these sticks in the trees

shaped like stick people.

And the girl filmmaker starts crying and her nose starts dripping.

And they don't have any tissue at all.

None?

None.

So then they start to hear really scary noises

and voices coming from outside.

So they leave the tent.

Don't leave the tent! Don't leave the tent!

Oh, yeah, Carl. They leave the tent and they follow the voices,

when from out of the darkness comes the...

Man, that was so choice. You should have seen your faces.

Did they really leave the tent, Nick?

Hey, there's a red giant. And that's a white dwarf.

You can relate, huh, Neutron?

Hey, Jimmy, what's the matter?

Listen, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly the tallest guy around.

Shorty, squirt, small-stuff, shrimp.

It gets to you after a while.

And next year there'll be dances.

What girl'd dance with a guy who looks like he should still be in Gymboree?

I didn't think we liked girls yet, Jim.

We don't. We don't. No. Not yet. No.

However, one day, Carl,

an influx of hormones we can't control will overpower our better judgment

and drive us to pursue the female species against our will.

Stop talking like that, Jimmy. You're gonna give me nightmares.

Listen, I wouldn't worry, Carl.

I have a feeling puberty is light years away for you and me.

You know, we should have never wished on that star, Jimmy,

cos I miss my folks.

My mom used to tuck me in bed every night

before she was abducted by aliens.

Before my dad was abducted by aliens,

he would always read me to sleep.

Before my mom was inducted by aliens,

she would rub my tummy and she'd sing...

- What? - Nothing.

Come on, you guys. We gotta keep our heads.

We'll find 'em.

What is it, boy?

Sensor sweeps reveal many advanced cities and...

ion energy signatures. That's it!

We've found it. I repeat: We've found it.

Nick, we'll contact you as soon as we find the parents

so you can kick some alien buttocks.

- Piece of cake. - OK, scouting party, follow me.

I'll be back, Nick.

Wow. What is that?

Wow. They've evolved beyond the need for mere conventional bodies.

They must be an advanced species millions of years ahead of us.

Wow. When I sneeze, it looks like an advanced species, too.

OK, they're this way.

Right this way, sire.

Ooblar, these humans look so scrawny. Hardly very appetising.

Are you sure they're yummy?

I assure you, my slimy sovereign.

Poultra will be quite pleased.

Humans are mostly water with a crunchy, bony centre.

Think nuts and chews.

- There they are. - What are they doing?

- What are those things on their heads? - It looks like a mind-control device.

Mom. Dad. Dad!

It's me. Jimmy. Over here.

Jim, Jim, Jim, Jimmys, James, James, Jim.

Big, fiery, flying Jimmy. Hi, Jimmy.

Some dream, huh? Attack of the big egg people. I think I've seen this one.

No, Dad. You're wearing a mind-control device. Take yours off. Hurry!

- Dad? - Intruder alert. Intruder alert.

Dad, no, no, no. Sh.

Jimmy, your dad's like a mind-control duck man.

- Let's get outta here. - Let's go.

Come back. Join us, Jimmy. Join us.

Well, well, if it isn't the littlest rescue party. How cute.

Hello, itty-bitty humans.

You let us go, you big ball of phlegm.

That's no way to talk to the king. He is the royal phlegm.

- Ooblar. - Sorry, sire.

I think it's only fair to warn you that if you don't release us within hours,

an army of trained combat specialists is poised to destroy your entire planet.

- Really? - Really.

Oh, my. Our entire planet. Whatever shall we do?

Do you mean this army of trained combat specialists?

- Hey, it's Nick. Hey, Nick. Oh, man... - Nick!

Get your grubs off me, egghead.

Don't look so surprised. We're an advanced alien race.

What did you expect?

What do you want with our parents?

It's not what I want. It's what Poultra wants.

- Who's Poultra? - Poultra is our god.

The mightiest, most ferocious creature in all...

I get tired of answering this. Roll tape.

Hello and welcome to our special edition of "Poultra: God of Wrath".

- Brought to you by Goo... - Commercials. Hate them.

Welcome back. If you're watching this,

chances are your friends and/or relatives are about to be sacrificed

to the Mighty Poultra, which is a great honour indeed.

And very painful.

And this year's human sacrifices feature something very special:

Actual humans.

And it's all thanks to Jimmy Neutron.

Greetings from planet Earth. I'm Jimmy Neutron and you're an alien life form.

You know, without the coordinates you gave us,

we never would have found your puny little planet.

For such a tiny earthling, you've been a very big help, Jimmy Neutron.

Guards, throw these minuscule vermin into the dungeon

until they're of worthier size, and give Mr Neutron the presidential suite.

What?

Isn't this a funny-wunny little toy?

Get it off me! Get it off!

Take this infernal thing to the lab and have it torn apart.

Yes, great saliva-armed one.

- Hold it. Move along. - Goddard!

Move!

So, it was Neutron all along.

I mean, he got us into this.

Hey, Jimmy, didn't your parents ever tell you not to talk to strangers?

That's rule number one.

Come on, you guys. Give him a break.

Jimmy didn't mean to ruin our lives

and get our parents eaten by a giant space monster.

She's right. We need to ask ourselves "What would Ultra Lord do?"

Let's think about that, Sheen. Maybe sit on a shelf because he's a doll!

He's not. He's an action figure. There's a difference.

Come on, Nick. Let Sheen talk. Maybe he's onto something.

What would Ultra Lord do, Sheen?

Well, in episode

he fried the zeebot's brain with his heat-seeking infra-thought. It was cool.

Well, I'm convinced, folks,

that's pretty much the stupidest thing I ever heard!

No. This is the stupidest thing you've ever heard.

You are such a baby.

Leave me alone. You're picking on me because you're insecure.

Jimmy, you there?

Look, don't listen to them.

They're just scared.

Are you OK?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Don't be so hard on yourself. We'll get out of this.

OK, so you made a mistake.

Beating yourself up isn't gonna fix anything.

You know, I was the smartest kid in school until you came along.

And I admit you know more about some things than I do.

But I know one thing that you don't seem to get,

and that's that we're never getting outta here without you.

So why don't you buck up, mister,

and put that big brain of yours back to work?

Nick can handle the fighting stuff, but first we have to get out of this cell.

Cindy, why are you being so nice to me?

Because there's a bunch of kids in here that need you.

And I do, too.

I am never complaining about my parents again.

We didn't even get our one phone call.

That's it! Libby, let me see your cellphone.

OK, but I don't think my service plan

covers anything outside our solar system.

- Who are you calling? - A friend of mine.

All right, little Earth doggy.

Ooblar is going to take you apart into tiny little pieces.

All right?

Hey, give me that!

Fine. We'll use this one then.

No, no, no, no, no. No!

Would you stop that? Those are mine.

That's not funny! Stop it! And give me my things.

Come on, boy, pick up.

Good. Good. Perhaps we'll get somewhere.

Goddard, you're OK.

I miss you, too, boy. Listen, what's your situation?

Evil scientist, huh?

OK. I got an idea. Put me on speaker, Goddard.

Danger. Danger. You have initiated self-destruct sequence alpha.

That's my bad. Back in you go.

Self-destruct sequence is now engaged.

No, no, no, no, no! I put it back in. You understand me?

This unit will yield a -megaton nuclear blast in exactly ten seconds.

- That's not good! - Please clear a -square mile area.

Thank you and have a nice day.

- Ten, nine, eight... - No, back up!

...seven... - Mother!

Is he gone, boy?

Great. Lock on to this signal and get here as fast as you can.

Halt. Who goes there?

The guard.

By order of the esteemed King Goobot,

it is my great privilege and honour to mercilessly exterminate you.

Think. Think. Goddard, play dead.

Good boy, Goddard. Good boy.

Guess I'll make that bug a feature, huh?

- Good dog. - Way to go!

- You're a good robot. - Come on! Let's get the others.

Nice work, Jimmy.

Hey, Cindy. Thanks.

If you ever tell anyone I was nice to you, you'll wind up looking like that guy.

Let's go, Neutron. It's egg-scrambling time.

- Wait for me, Nick. - Come back!

Please?

Bring out the humans.

Come on, it's showtime. Everybody out.

Kick it!

- Look, you guys. A football game. - I don't think so, Carl.

Goddard, bino-scope mode.

Wow. What a lame half-time show.

They're making our parents dance so lame.

No, my dad really dances like that.

- The festival is starting. - Our parents! They'll be eaten!

Nobody eats my parents unless I say so!

Come on.

Begin the incubation.

Come on, Nick. Show them what you're made of.

Halt.

Hey, cool spear.

You really think so? I guess so because...

Mind if I try?

No, no, no!

My hero.

- Come on, everyone. - Get 'em, Nick. Come on!

My hero?

OK, we need another plan.

Probably a Nick-less one.

Poultra! Poultra!

Poultra! Poultra!

Citizens of Yokus, I, King Goobot the Fifth,

give you sacrifice.

That's a big chicken.

What do we do now?

Think. Think.

Brain blast!

OK, everybody, listen up. We don't have much time.

I've got to make it to that control tower.

Cindy, Libby, keep the guards busy until Sheen arrives with the ship.

OK, I heard the ship part, but was that "Sheen get the ship"?

Yeah, yeah.

There's a transport ship in that airfield big enough to carry all of us out.

- I need you to get it here fast. - But I don't have a driver's licence.

- I have no hand-eye coordination... - Sheen, ask yourself,

what would Ultra Lord do?

I accept this responsibility,

understanding the consequences that you've bestowed against me.

Poultra, din-dins.

Yummy, yummy. Foodie, woodie.

This is it, people. These crummy aliens stole our parents.

It's time to show them what we're made of. We're tough! We're mean!

Darn it, we're carbon-based life forms.

- Now, who's gonna kick buttocks? - The carbon-based life forms!

Yeah!

What is this?

- Stop those kids. - After 'em.

Cindy, Purple Flurp.

Dragon whips her tail.

Let's dance.

Yeah, Jimmy.

Come on, boy.

- Jimmy! - Carl, "show and tell".

Come here, you.

I can't see! I can't see!

You want some? You want some? You want a piece of me?

I didn't think so.

Munchy-crunchy time.

There you go.

- Fetch, boy. - Hey, hey, give me that.

- Come back here, you! - Everybody up.

Hey, nice party. Gotta blast.

Neutron.

OK, let's move out.

Guards, vaporise the Earth brats.

Hurry, head for the exit.

- Hey, where's Sheen? - I don't know.

Stop them!

All right, Sheen!

Your ship awaits, Captain Jimmy.

Ooblar, protect!

Pooh.

Everybody to the ship!

Poultra, quickly. Your dinner's getting away.

- OK, keep up. Let's get out of here. - Come on!

We gotta do this quick. Launch positions.

Temperature optimal. Engaging plasma coils.

- Jim, I think we better leave now. - Countdown! Ten, nine, eight...

One!

- To my ships. - And can someone bring me a bucket?

Jimmy, here they come!

Time to discipline the naughty children.

Open fire.

OK, who wants fried chicken?

So, Neutron, now it's just you and I.

All weapons online.

Ultra Lord is not afraid of chickens

He is not afraid...

He may be a little bit afraid of chickens

This thing's too slow. I can't outrun 'em.

- Incoming message. - On screen.

You see, Jimmy, you can't win.

All of your friends and family would be safe at home,

if it wasn't for one little problem. You.

- Little? - Now you all must die!

Little, huh? I'll show you little.

Cindy, take over. Come on, boy.

What are you doing? Is this one of those macho things?

I know we haven't field-tested this feature yet, but we've no choice, buddy.

Goddard, flycycle!

Would you look at this? I do believe he's going to ram us, Ooblar.

Remind me to clean the windshield later.

You steal my parents, you threaten my dog...

Itsy-bitsy Jimmy Neutron.

He does look a bit small and silly, doesn't he, sire?

You attack my friends and you made fun of my size.

- Tiny, tiny. - So, so tiny.

Well, I may be small, but I've got a big brain.

Not tiny!

Can't we call this whole thing a mistake and go back to your plan -

rendezvous for universal brotherhood and whatnot?

You've not seen the last of us,

Jimmy Neutron!

You look marvellous sunny-side up, sire.

That's no yolk.

All right, Jimmy! Good job!

Orbiting around Jimmy's big head. Estimated time to ear: Seven minutes.

So, I guess I can't call you short any more.

Don't worry. I'm sure there are all kinds of other insults you can come up with.

Let me tell you, as soon as we get home,

we're going out dancing!

Ultra Dad!

Ultra Son!

Dad! Daddy!

Hey, Neutron.

Nice job.

Thanks.

I've got that for you, dear.

Mom, Dad,

I should have listened to you when you said don't talk to strangers.

See, I guess I thought I was smart enough to do everything on my own -

that I didn't need you.

But I was wrong.

I love you guys.

We love you too, Jimmy.

Having a genius for a son may not always be easy,

but it's always interesting.

You make us so proud.

You sure do, son.

You know, not every family gets to ride in an alien spaceship,

hurtling through the universe at warp speeds, millions of miles from home.

- We thank you for that. - You gotta admit, that is pretty neat.

There you are, gentlemen.

- Freeze! - It's OK, Carl.

- It's just breakfast. - I knew that.

I don't remember buying this brand of soda.

- No, no, Mom... Mom, you... - Jimmy, it's just soda.

Mom, no!

Goodness! Excuse me.

Boy, it's a scorcher out there.

- Thanks, honey. - Hugh!

Well, at least it's coming out of the attic, not the basement.

Hugh!

Mom!

James Isaac Neutron...

Onward, Mr Wiggles.

We reach the cafeteria by dawn.

nice memes

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